I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
