my phone needs a breathalizer
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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