Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
