I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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