alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
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My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
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Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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