Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
even my farts smell like vagina
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
