just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
