Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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