I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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