I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
