i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
