Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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