if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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