How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
