he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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