I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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