Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
