he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
