Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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