I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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