having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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