i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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