don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
