Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
