I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
