the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm like, not good at living.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
