Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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