I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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