dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
