just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
