you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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