Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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