turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
