he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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