you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
