Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
