all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
