u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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