Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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