So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
