he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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