I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
