i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
