i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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