I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
