bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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