This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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