this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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