dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
