in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
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omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.