ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
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do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?