dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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