i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
