dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
