This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
