I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
