five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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