My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
