last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
