Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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