Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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