You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
