You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
