Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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